Monday, August 26, 2013
Oh Miley
I think Will Smith's family's reaction to Miley's VMA performance last night was about what we all feel.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Take my picture!
I have to say that at first I thought this project was cliche, but I was fascinated and a little weepy by the end. The photos are riveting.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Blah blah blah
It's hard for me to believe that my daughter is 13 this week. A lot of people jokingly say this is when it gets difficult and then there's a lot of people who jokingly say how difficult it is when they are little, but I think it's probably just that people like to joke about how difficult parenting is. My night time terror about getting it right doesn't feel very funny. Several folks have asked me to write about parenting but I hesitate to write too much to you about it because I don't know more than anyone else. Also, it would probably be a very short piece because I do happen to think if you want to be a good parent you should really just mostly focus on being a good person yourself.
My therapist says a big chunk of creating a capable and happy adult is communicating to your children that they are competent and loved. Since she's seen a lot of screwed up people I am trusting her on this. I've been thinking about that a lot and I do think I can tell you a few things I've learned in the last few years that have maybe lent themselves to creating a pretty likable, competent kid who feels loved and, at least at 13, doesn't seek to injure the people around her. The next few years could go horribly wrong so I'm not writing this with any authority. Let's see if this is a good list:
First, Don't hit your kid. I believe children need correction. And I have seen some kids I'd like to hit. I also believe that striking someone usually means that we've run out of better, more evolved options. It's unfortunate, but one of us has to be smarter than a 3 year old and must respond to frustration in an appropriate way - a way that you'd want your child to imitate later in his own moment of frustration. I tried spanking once, but realized that in my case I was hitting my child out of the sort of fury that only an exhausted, nose wiping, frump mom can experience - honestly, not out of any motivation to correct and improve. I decided I can't strike my kid and then claim to want a peaceful existence with her. The message is only that bigger people get to injure smaller people. I ended up resorting to straddling Olivia to immobilize her and get her attention. She always chose to get her revenge publicly when she'd run from me saying, "Don't sit on me mamaaaaaaa," but I can say that it worked.
Say "I don't know" more often than you planned. It's scary to everyone to admit to your child that you don't know everything, but they need to understand the world is a VAST and curious place, larger than your hometown, larger than the opinions of their community and even larger than they imagine. I try to communicate this by not making blanket statements about people also. Let them see you in pursuit of answers and don't limit their access and willingness to explore God's world by spouting platitudes and behaving like you know more than you really can know after only 40 odd years on the planet. This is a way of giving them the gift of WONDER. And speaking of God...
Pursue Him or Her or something. I didn't say act like your 4th grade memorizing of the books of the Bible means you are a theologian on Facebook. I'm telling you to let your kids watch you try to improve your spiritual knowledge and connections. Did you know there's whole chunks of the Bible that are left out? No matter where you fall spiritually, there's tons left to discover about a God big enough to present himself to a billion people in a billion different ways so don't put God in a box for them. And if you are going to quote any scripture, stick with "Love one another" for the first 10 years. I don't know even any adults who consistently live by that one so it's a good one to start with and you can build up to the others.
Unfortunately, it's time to be a good example. Again, the studies show that good parenting really just comes down to being a model of good, or healthy behavior. So a lot of things will fall into place if you understand that your example is more effective than anything else. Focus on what YOU are doing that you'd like to see or what you could work on for their sakes if not for your own. They will follow your example in all manner of things - from your treatment of the people around you to your alcohol intake and to your willingness to grow and change - so stop giving prescriptions and start being the sort of person you'd like them to be.
Stop acting like the children are trying to kill you. They may be, but the thing is, I don't know a kid who asked to be born so if you have a child it's likely because you chose to and you need to buck up and quit complaining about the weird hours and the carpool and the finances and find something to enjoy about your time together. If you are an exasperated parent, the problem may lie in your attitude, not their existence. No child deserves to feel like their life is an inconvenience to you.
Build a marriage. Or some long term relationship. Show them how to work on one, and if you have to, how to peacefully end one.
Consequence, not explosion. I know you know I get pissed. I am entitled to be angry over misbehavior and I'm entitled to express it, but I don't want to be the reason that there's more distance between us and explosions absolutely create distance. She may not act like it, but your kid doesn't want a negative distance between you either. So when they act like a fool, take a minute and be the person that doesn't behave impulsively. Sometimes it serves you better to respond with compassion during a meltdown anyway. I can handle an honest disagreement over clothes or boys and my daughter needs to know the world won't end if we are at odds. Approaching things calmly doesn't mean that there won't be a consequence for bad behavior! Once Olivia's dishonesty meant that she had to do a week's worth of laundry and dishes - every time her hands were wet that week I wanted her to consider that she had some relational cleaning to do as well. I don't need her to like me all the time. I need her to be in an honest, respectful relationship with me and if my own anger gets in the way of it, I need to consider the damage I have done too. Teach the power of apologies.
Tell them precisely what you like about them. Consider that being new in the world is not an easy position to find yourself in and find some SPECIFIC things your kids are doing right to praise. I swear I want to set the next parent who shouts "Good JOB!" on fire so please for the love of God find something better to share. Take a second to say, "I never knew you could lasso" or "For a second there I thought I'd have to get the fire extinguisher, but you know you made this grilled cheese is just the way I like it." Even try, "It was such a joy to watch you try something new." You don't have to be effusive, but please be sincere.
Separate yourself already. I know that some of you really do what the kids to grow up and live in the basement, but you know that's not really a good thing, right? You are not your child. Their successes do not belong to you and make you a better person. Besides, none of your lunch friends care what your little darling made on her social studies test last week so you are going to need to find something else to talk about. When you don't have a life outside of parenting, you inadvertently put pressure on your child to make your happiness their responsibility. Celebrate their good work. Be proud of them, but go show them you know how to try something new, how to make friends, how to pursue an interest and stop mooching off their wonderful lives.
Express gratitude to the people around you. If you are a person who casts about for problems all day it's not likely you actively show your kids how to be grateful and studies show people who allow themselves to experience daily gratitude are happier. If you are resentful that your children don't thank you enough for all you do for them, consider how often they hear you thank them or someone else. Maybe they just don't know it's the thing to do. Here's an app to try: Gratitude Journal. Creating a mindset of this sort is a legacy and you'll live longer if you do it.
Stop rescuing. I have a lean towards this, but I'm in recovery. If you have a flesh eating bacterial problem or if you get kidnapped, I will rescue you. Absolutely. I will swoop in like an eagle, talons open and lift you up on the wings of safety. I will not, however, rescue you from being in the 7th grade. I get tired of people behaving like there's one perfect school, one perfect path, one line of work. Adaptability and confidence are huge components of happiness and creating a child who can land on her feet in ANY school, who can look for purpose in a multitude of settings, means you've got a kid who will be much happier than a person who can only thrive in one "ideal" scenario. I can't tell you how much fun I had helping Olivia with school projects but by the time she made the solar system out of jingle bells it was time for me to back the hell off of her. If you express confidence that your child will be fine, they usually will, so as hard as it is, sit on your hands and watch them navigate their own path. You will be amazed.
Have some fun already. Remember how you used to be fun? Surely I don't need to explain how to have fun to you. Fun doesn't have to be limited to photographable events like trips to Six Flags. For kids, fun is sometimes just attention. If you are on the lookout during the day for funny things to share at dinner (Kenny does this), suddenly everyone wants to sit a little longer around the table. You used to be fun - I know that because someone had a kid with you - be that person again.
So there's lots more - Stop Shouting, Invest in Art Supplies, Insist on Music Lessons..but I think this is long enough. I knew I shouldn't have tried to write all this down. Just remember in a few years when you see Olivia on the back of some motorcycle, all tatted up and shooting birds at me on her way to her exotic dancing job, that I told you things could still go horribly wrong. Talk soon...
My therapist says a big chunk of creating a capable and happy adult is communicating to your children that they are competent and loved. Since she's seen a lot of screwed up people I am trusting her on this. I've been thinking about that a lot and I do think I can tell you a few things I've learned in the last few years that have maybe lent themselves to creating a pretty likable, competent kid who feels loved and, at least at 13, doesn't seek to injure the people around her. The next few years could go horribly wrong so I'm not writing this with any authority. Let's see if this is a good list:
First, Don't hit your kid. I believe children need correction. And I have seen some kids I'd like to hit. I also believe that striking someone usually means that we've run out of better, more evolved options. It's unfortunate, but one of us has to be smarter than a 3 year old and must respond to frustration in an appropriate way - a way that you'd want your child to imitate later in his own moment of frustration. I tried spanking once, but realized that in my case I was hitting my child out of the sort of fury that only an exhausted, nose wiping, frump mom can experience - honestly, not out of any motivation to correct and improve. I decided I can't strike my kid and then claim to want a peaceful existence with her. The message is only that bigger people get to injure smaller people. I ended up resorting to straddling Olivia to immobilize her and get her attention. She always chose to get her revenge publicly when she'd run from me saying, "Don't sit on me mamaaaaaaa," but I can say that it worked.
Say "I don't know" more often than you planned. It's scary to everyone to admit to your child that you don't know everything, but they need to understand the world is a VAST and curious place, larger than your hometown, larger than the opinions of their community and even larger than they imagine. I try to communicate this by not making blanket statements about people also. Let them see you in pursuit of answers and don't limit their access and willingness to explore God's world by spouting platitudes and behaving like you know more than you really can know after only 40 odd years on the planet. This is a way of giving them the gift of WONDER. And speaking of God...
Pursue Him or Her or something. I didn't say act like your 4th grade memorizing of the books of the Bible means you are a theologian on Facebook. I'm telling you to let your kids watch you try to improve your spiritual knowledge and connections. Did you know there's whole chunks of the Bible that are left out? No matter where you fall spiritually, there's tons left to discover about a God big enough to present himself to a billion people in a billion different ways so don't put God in a box for them. And if you are going to quote any scripture, stick with "Love one another" for the first 10 years. I don't know even any adults who consistently live by that one so it's a good one to start with and you can build up to the others.
Unfortunately, it's time to be a good example. Again, the studies show that good parenting really just comes down to being a model of good, or healthy behavior. So a lot of things will fall into place if you understand that your example is more effective than anything else. Focus on what YOU are doing that you'd like to see or what you could work on for their sakes if not for your own. They will follow your example in all manner of things - from your treatment of the people around you to your alcohol intake and to your willingness to grow and change - so stop giving prescriptions and start being the sort of person you'd like them to be.
Stop acting like the children are trying to kill you. They may be, but the thing is, I don't know a kid who asked to be born so if you have a child it's likely because you chose to and you need to buck up and quit complaining about the weird hours and the carpool and the finances and find something to enjoy about your time together. If you are an exasperated parent, the problem may lie in your attitude, not their existence. No child deserves to feel like their life is an inconvenience to you.
Build a marriage. Or some long term relationship. Show them how to work on one, and if you have to, how to peacefully end one.
Consequence, not explosion. I know you know I get pissed. I am entitled to be angry over misbehavior and I'm entitled to express it, but I don't want to be the reason that there's more distance between us and explosions absolutely create distance. She may not act like it, but your kid doesn't want a negative distance between you either. So when they act like a fool, take a minute and be the person that doesn't behave impulsively. Sometimes it serves you better to respond with compassion during a meltdown anyway. I can handle an honest disagreement over clothes or boys and my daughter needs to know the world won't end if we are at odds. Approaching things calmly doesn't mean that there won't be a consequence for bad behavior! Once Olivia's dishonesty meant that she had to do a week's worth of laundry and dishes - every time her hands were wet that week I wanted her to consider that she had some relational cleaning to do as well. I don't need her to like me all the time. I need her to be in an honest, respectful relationship with me and if my own anger gets in the way of it, I need to consider the damage I have done too. Teach the power of apologies.
Tell them precisely what you like about them. Consider that being new in the world is not an easy position to find yourself in and find some SPECIFIC things your kids are doing right to praise. I swear I want to set the next parent who shouts "Good JOB!" on fire so please for the love of God find something better to share. Take a second to say, "I never knew you could lasso" or "For a second there I thought I'd have to get the fire extinguisher, but you know you made this grilled cheese is just the way I like it." Even try, "It was such a joy to watch you try something new." You don't have to be effusive, but please be sincere.
Separate yourself already. I know that some of you really do what the kids to grow up and live in the basement, but you know that's not really a good thing, right? You are not your child. Their successes do not belong to you and make you a better person. Besides, none of your lunch friends care what your little darling made on her social studies test last week so you are going to need to find something else to talk about. When you don't have a life outside of parenting, you inadvertently put pressure on your child to make your happiness their responsibility. Celebrate their good work. Be proud of them, but go show them you know how to try something new, how to make friends, how to pursue an interest and stop mooching off their wonderful lives.
Express gratitude to the people around you. If you are a person who casts about for problems all day it's not likely you actively show your kids how to be grateful and studies show people who allow themselves to experience daily gratitude are happier. If you are resentful that your children don't thank you enough for all you do for them, consider how often they hear you thank them or someone else. Maybe they just don't know it's the thing to do. Here's an app to try: Gratitude Journal. Creating a mindset of this sort is a legacy and you'll live longer if you do it.
Stop rescuing. I have a lean towards this, but I'm in recovery. If you have a flesh eating bacterial problem or if you get kidnapped, I will rescue you. Absolutely. I will swoop in like an eagle, talons open and lift you up on the wings of safety. I will not, however, rescue you from being in the 7th grade. I get tired of people behaving like there's one perfect school, one perfect path, one line of work. Adaptability and confidence are huge components of happiness and creating a child who can land on her feet in ANY school, who can look for purpose in a multitude of settings, means you've got a kid who will be much happier than a person who can only thrive in one "ideal" scenario. I can't tell you how much fun I had helping Olivia with school projects but by the time she made the solar system out of jingle bells it was time for me to back the hell off of her. If you express confidence that your child will be fine, they usually will, so as hard as it is, sit on your hands and watch them navigate their own path. You will be amazed.
Have some fun already. Remember how you used to be fun? Surely I don't need to explain how to have fun to you. Fun doesn't have to be limited to photographable events like trips to Six Flags. For kids, fun is sometimes just attention. If you are on the lookout during the day for funny things to share at dinner (Kenny does this), suddenly everyone wants to sit a little longer around the table. You used to be fun - I know that because someone had a kid with you - be that person again.
So there's lots more - Stop Shouting, Invest in Art Supplies, Insist on Music Lessons..but I think this is long enough. I knew I shouldn't have tried to write all this down. Just remember in a few years when you see Olivia on the back of some motorcycle, all tatted up and shooting birds at me on her way to her exotic dancing job, that I told you things could still go horribly wrong. Talk soon...
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