A wing of bat, an eye of newt...

So recently I was getting my nails done and I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while. We did the usual You look great - No, YOU look great thing and I told her my plan was to drop a few pounds before summer since I don't keep a very tight workout schedule then and maybe I wouldn't worry so much about gaining a few pounds if I started UNDER where I'm happiest.  This sounds logical, but probably won't happen. She says, "Yes, if I could only get my hands on those Raspberry Ketones Dr. Oz was talking about on TV.  He says it just melts the fat off of you, but you can't find them anywhere."

Let's clear up two things:  First, Dr. Oz appears to me to be one of the unhealthiest men on TV. Have you noticed this? Is he GRAY? I think his skin is actually GRAY.  I can't keep up with all the instructions he gives. Here's what his regimen sounds like to me:  Run around the block two times forward and then half around backwards once.  Eat a peanut every 6 steps. When you get back to the house make sure you take exactly 1.68 teaspoons of olive oil with grapefruit juice and vinegar and then jump up and down 43 times BUT DON'T do this if you happened to eat eggs the day before and then take these 14 supplements right before you eat with seven 8 oz glasses of water.  Repeat every 45 minutes and you will look 20 years younger in 3 weeks and you will not have any fat on you.  And then magically all your dreams will come true...

BUT, anytime someone says MELTS THE FAT RIGHT OFF OF YOU I am hooked.  That's the second thing.  Since the Dieter's Tea Incident of 2008 (which will remain in the vault), I believe 100% that there is no healthy weightloss plan that needs to involve excessive amounts of caffeine, stimulants (of the metabolism or of the colon, thank you) and I am suspicious of any Dr. that advises it.  They will make you twitchy, irritable and probably so miserable that you won't even be able to celebrate if you do manage to lose 2 pounds of water weight.  I filed the Raspberry Ketone away in the back of my mind.

Probably two weeks later I went to a local chain of health supplement stores to pick up Kenny's vitamins and on my way there I ran into my friend Jill who always looks fabulous and never believes that when I tell her.  I had just heard of another miracle supplement which is supposed to lower my cholesterol (I don't even know if it's high) and also make me beautiful so I figured I'd ask while I was there if they'd heard of any studies behind it. I love the research (all the fat mice loved this stuff!), but I don't like to invest because you should know that I've never been able to remember to take any supplement daily, much less two or three times daily so it's really just money down the toilet.

The doughy young man behind the counter was kind enough to ask if we needed anything so I asked him about whether he'd heard of the supplement and he immediately said, "Did Dr. Oz recommend it? Because we can't keep anything in stock when he recommends it." That made me think that this poor guy spends ALL DAY answering weight loss supplement questions posed by middle aged, desperate women who watch tv when they could be exercising or painting or at least laughing at themselves with their other middle aged, desperate friends, all of which would be time better spent.  "Also, we are out of the Raspberry Ketones (My mind went DING!!!), but we have them online and this Safflower oil we have here is good for belly fat."

And so begins another one of those slow motion moments:

I hear the words "belly fat" and that's when I make eye contact. I look down at my stomach and back to dough boy and the Clint Eastwood sort of challenge in my eyes must have indicated the insult he just made to the thousands of situps I've done this year. He looks at my stomach and then flicks a frantic look for help to my friend Jill.  She nervously giggles and slinks towards the door. I imagine this is where the whistle thing in Western movies goes.  "Not that you need it," he squeaks.  I counter, "I don't think weight loss supplements are good, mostly because of the caffeine stimulants." "Me either," he replies, but his eye is twitchy and neither of us acknowledge the Diet Mountain Dew and 5 hour energy drink he's got behind the counter. He's nodding now because he believes he's off the hook and grateful for my good graces.  I let it sink in my mind that this young man has tried every single one of those weight loss supplements.

We move on to a discussion about calcium.  If you know me, you know I don't eat dairy if I can help it (but I do love me some pizza!!) because if you are the least bit intolerant of it (and probably if you are not even) you will have acne breakouts and congestion and all kind of stomach problems.  As payback for the belly question, I asked him if he eats dairy knowing full well that he does. The acne is a dead giveaway.  He swears he doesn't, but we already know he's a liar. I go in for the kill and by the end of my soulful tirade entitled "The Devil in Dairy" his eyes have glazed over and he whimpers, "You know, you should really try our other location. I bet they have everything you are looking for over there." Checkmate. These people have nothing I want - no magic potions, no hocus pocus, no fat melters, no thank you.

I did happen upon some of the elusive Raspberry Ketones at Purple Mountain the other day.  Instinctively, I bought a bottle of them and tucked them away because apparently they are valuable and I think maybe I can make some money off the resale to one of those desperate women at home watching Dr. Oz.