So yesterday I was sitting with the World's Best Therapist and pretty much everything we had to talk about was good. It makes you wonder if a girl even needs to sit on the couch if there's nothing but good stuff going on. The thing I've discovered though is, it's always good to pay someone to let you know earlier rather than later if you're going off the rails and as Ginger says, "The thing about suffering is, there's more coming," so maybe keeping the counselor on speed dial is a good practice.
I don't know if you have a counselor or therapist, but I hope you do. Humans are creatures of habit, so much so that even our awful parts kinda feel like a kid's blankie once you've carried them around your whole life. But if you find yourself hitting the same walls year after year or in the same toxic relationships time after time (or if you find yourself calling ME to report the same problems over and over) you have to wonder if you're part of the problem, right? We laughed yesterday about how it would be nice to have a sign in her office that said "Maybe It's YOU" because so often we misidentify our problems. Phrases like "My marriage would be fine if he didn't..." or "It's like toxic people just FIND me..." have probably been repeated countless times to patient counselors who just smile and jot something down and think, "Oh honey, we have some work to do."
And what I don't understand is why so many people don't really ever ask for help for the things we repeatedly complain about. It's a simple hour long opportunity to unburden ourselves, to let the grief or anxiety that we keep buttoned down under the surface release itself and that consistent 50-60 minute commitment (with a CREDENTIALED, QUALIFIED person) can save a person's life. Or at least their sanity. Because if we're totally honest, there's a whole lot we keep buttoned up that's probably allowing self-doubt, resentment, anxiety to fester and infect way longer than it should be allowed to do. The better part of an hour is a small price to pay for a safe place to say all the things that you need to say to someone. Or to just weep if you've lost your friend or your mom or your marriage. Or even to spew some venom from that pent up fury. Oh, and your friends don't count as good counsel because they will lie to you since they love you and tell you that you are not at all crazy, but you and I know that we most certainly are. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to define crazy as permanently or periodically being any of the following: stuck, miserable, blue, disastrous in relationships, dependent, codependent, addicted, angry, anxious, or just human.
When I met her, I was considering this question in my life and in my relationships: "What if I didn't do here what I always do?" Now I'm not calling it a genius move (didn't George try that on Seinfeld?). It's just that I at least knew that the things I always did always led me to places I always ended up feeling miserable over. Always. So finding the right counselor (I'd call her wise, but that word would probably make her feel old) helped me identify what I always do and, in a careful way, move more towards the life I want to have. Knowing that someone is waiting to hear the rest of the story every week encourages me to make progress also. You'd hate to actually PAY for someone to help you figure out what you need to do and then not do it. Don't get me wrong, no counselor can pull you out of the toilet without your participation and a lot of honesty, but a good one introduced in your moment of willingness can change your life.
Sometimes I feel bad for putting all my crazy on this woman (and her dog!) every week, but she says it's not like that so I trust her. She's a nice Christian lady so she's probably at least gotten a wider vocabulary from our relationship. Sorry, but there are no substitute terms for "bat shit crazy" and sometimes "freaking" feels juvenile so she just has to suffer through my colorful hour. I should probably offer to pay her a higher rate because this peaceful, patience-of-Job person must have had to take a lot of walks to vent her frustration over my contrariness and short-sighted nature. I wouldn't be surprised if she even had to hire her own back up therapist to make sense of me, but she took me on anyway and we trudged through a path to a life I like very much together while I stomped my feet like a brat and cried over my own losses. I'm certain I could exhaust the most well-meaning professional but she hasn't changed the locks. Yet. She's right there every time with a fresh, thoughtful insight and I am grateful. I don't know if she and her dog have any more energy to take on your problems after dealing with me, but I hope you'll find someone - some capable, referred person - who will make some room on the couch for you and listen long enough to let you get it all out when you hurt and then rejoice in your growth because you and I both know, you're crazy.
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