When I say life isn't fair, I'm not saying people don't get what they deserve sometimes. I'm not saying that folks don't create their own consequences. It's true that if you make horrible choices, you'll probably find yourself in a horrible situation that maybe you'd even say you deserve, and it's also true that if you are good to folks and to yourself you'll probably have a lot of good days and some good opportunities. I get stuck however, when a good person becomes horribly ill or when a kind friend gets treated like she's worthless by her family. My first thought goes to how unfair it is. What about when some slimy jackass wins the lottery or gets the promotion? Definitely not fair.
I wanted so badly to believe that life could be fair that I went to the back up plan which is, everyone gets what they deserve IN THE END. And maybe they do. Don't worry, I've no intention of having a thorough, theological discussion with you, but I checked the Bible and according to that book, your life needs to suck pretty bad sometimes in order to inherit the kingdom of heaven. AND if there's anybody who knows life on earth isn't fair, it's JESUS. In fact, the whole point of your salvation is that God bestows mercy (implying you SURE don't deserve it) upon you - it's just that in this instance, I'm the jackass and unfairness is in my favor. The whole point of that is that you don't get what you truly deserve. This is not the part where I share the depth of my black, black heart with you or ask you to show me yours. Let's move on.
So, why do we keep looking for fairness? I think what really drives us in our futile search for a great leveling in life is that we want an acknowledgement of when we've done well and we REALLY want acknowledgment when someone else screws up - even more, we want to witness the evening out of things at some point. Simple. That's why tabloids and that local gem, the Busted newsletter, are such lucrative endeavors. We want to see the handing down of cosmic justice so we can cheer (unless we are the one in the middle of the road). Not only do I want to see it, there were times I might have wanted even to orchestrate it! The truth is, though, I never felt very good after taking delight in seeing another person's miserable comeuppance.
Well, maybe for a second.
Anyway, the flip side is this: 2012 has been a bright and shiny year for me and, despite that fact that I've worked pretty hard to be a good person this year, I don't know that I'd say I deserve this bright and shiny year any more than anyone else does (I probably deserve it a lot less, actually). I recognize that most folks don't have this lifestyle, that I didn't deliberately create this life as much as land in it, that I could be living in some place that has horrible toilet situations or worse, BURKAS, and I'm just grateful. Grateful for whatever alignment of stars, the choices of thousands of ancestors, or whatever circumstances landed me right here beside you. Is it fair? Do I deserve it? How would we even measure that? By how hard I work? By the suffering I've experienced? By whether I've helped others who suffer? By where I was born? By whether my mother wished upon the right star?
None of that makes sense. And what I'm hoping is that if I focus enough on being grateful, I won't be so distracted by trying to make sense of whether I deserve this life or you deserve yours, because, really, there is no understanding that. There's only the chance to offer compassion to people who suffer in situations worse than ours and happiness for people in places we'd envy. So you can keep searching for the thread that makes it all even out, or you can just let it sink in that life isn't always fair. And some days thank goodness that it isn't.
I love you and miss you. I want to have this conversation.
ReplyDeleteUS Airways comes here every single day. Miss you too!
DeleteYour daddy and I were just saying something like this (but not as eloquently) yesterday. Good job!
ReplyDeleteMimi
Thanks Mimi! I've got lots to say, you know.
DeleteGood article. Two brief-ish comments. First, I recently read a book by a UVA psychology prof who argues (citing the research of others) that basically we are wired by evolution to believe in karma (whether we claim to believe it or not). Good things happen to good people; bad people will get it soon or later. It's the necessary step in our evolutionary progress that allowed us to be hypersocial. Ants and bees are hypersocial through a different mechanism. We're hypersocial in part because we're moral, and morality has tons of evolutionary advantages. But morality requires doing the right thing (at least some of the time) when no one is looking. And this requires both imagination and a kind of feeling that what we do--whether seen or not--leads to a fitting consequence in the end. Thus our belief in karma.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I've read elsewhere (in a wonderful book on doubt by Jennifer Hecht) that the disjunction between our hopes about the universe--that it is fundamentally a fair place--and our experience of it (which leads us to recognize that it is absolutely indifferent to us) is a cause both of faith AND doubt.
Okay...that wasn't brief OR brief-ish. But it could have been longer. I can do that, you know.
Who are you calling hypersocial? kidding kidding kidding
Deleteummmm, really interesting to think on......first,"it is what it is." I seem to be hearing that lately, but not why I am responding with .....just seems to sum up the dilemma to a point. And,right, mercy is not earned;it is a gift,akin to grace.
ReplyDeleteAs I contemplate (my)life for the past year and almost 2 mos. of not working, looking and not yet discovering, BUT also being grateful for having had the past gumption/opportunity/income available to meet my needs(that's what we are promised)for each day as it seems to be now a greater chance I will be one of the 20% of women that live out their life at or below pverty level. Almost daily I do wonder why, did I DO anything myself to deserve it? Or do I see it as a gift? As a time, after almost 30 years of working pretty hard as a social worker,etc, I am 'a survivor'and I deserve this time, whether or not I use it for that purpose,to 'reinvent' myself, or whatever I choose. I don't have an answer as to what that would be. Just some of my own thinking.
If we get to choose anything in life I suppose it's whether to be active and positive, so that is what I'm hoping you are able to continue - being active and positive. We know that the alternative doesn't gain anyone anything so if I were a betting person, I would say go for that! Please stay in touch!
Deletedo you believe that we seek payback for wrong-doing more than we seek kudos for our own accomplishments? it's possible. i know that in general negative things tend to have a much greater hold on our psyches than positive things. because bad things can screw up our lives far worse than good things can improve them.
ReplyDeletereply
;-)
Sure, I think that's exactly what we do, but mostly because we are lazy and it's easier to point and ridicule someone else (or even ourselves) than to focus on the work of self-improvement. We do seek the kudos, certainly, and that's another reason we like to point out the problems with others. It's really the old razzle dazzle though, because someone else's train-wrecked situation has nothing to do with whether we are good or worthy or whatever. It's just easier to pretend the two things are related - we say someone else is bad rather than to really prove ourselves to be good, plus it keeps the focus away from our own flaws. Very much a razzle dazzle.
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