Wanna bet?

The last few times I've tried to write to you I stopped myself because I know I will sound opinionated and maybe bossy and nobody likes a know-it-all.  But there are so many things going on in the world lately that seem to require an opinion so I probably will not be free to write anything else until we get this out of the way. My head gets clogged, so to speak.

I am not a fan of reality tv.  It always seems scripted to me, but I have watched a lot of Dance Moms and, more recently, Cheer Perfection.  If you watch Mob Wives or Real Housewives of Wherever, it's not much different. It's just a bunch of grown people losing their minds at one another and using language that makes me want to hide.  I view all of these adults, parents and instructors, and probably if you want to push it, producers, as abusive to one another and to a younger generation.  The lack of civility is repulsive and makes me feel desperate. The great big life they wanted for their children will be spent on the therapist's sofa trying to undo their horrible great big life.

Now if there's one thing I disapprove of in our relationships, its name calling.  In all these years together, Mr. Barfield has never let a bad name for me cross his lips and I am fairly certain (you can be too) that I deserved more than one.  I called him a jackass once and I am embarrassed of it.  Can you imagine being able to forget that your beloved called you something horrible? No you can't, because you don't forget those cruelties and they have weight.  So tell me, if we all agree that we ought to value basic civility in conversation, how it is that this world seems to be heavily populated by people who haven't learned that most basic of lessons - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?"

And the reason those things seem to matter so much to me right at this moment is because every horrific news story I hear in the world about abuse and bullying, school shootings, workplace explosions, political screaming matches, all seem to have in some part a connection to the way we talk to one another.  Think about it.  Is it possible that our snarky, judgmental comment is the one that pushed a person who's had just about enough of being called worthless over the edge? What if the consequence of that was played out at your child's school?  Could you take responsibility for your part?

And what is my part? Beyond just the words we say, I think it's possible that a person can change the path of events by doing something simple, like making eye contact with the drive-thru cashier. Can you imagine what it's like to be unnoticed, unimportant, unworthy every single working hour? I think your extension of kindness can alter a lot of things and that we are being incredibly irresponsible if we don't see our full participation in this process.  I'm no fool - I know your kindness probably can't make someone who's dangerous not be dangerous, but I'm only concerned about whether you and I can bear the consequences of not offering kindness in a world that is already cracking.

If you're not interested in the whole peaceful hippy talk, then let's just look at it in terms of getting what you want. How does calling your beloved a bitch lead to a happy marriage? How does blindly rejecting and fearing a person of different skin color or religious upbringing bring the peace you say you want for your children to the world?  How does putting yourself at odds with every person not like you improve your life and generate a safe environment for your family? How does posting venomous political statements on Facebook create the united country you want to build? All of these questions lead to this: Is it possible that your very actions undermine the peaceful world you pray for after you watch the news?

I like to blame as much as you do.  When I see a tragic shooting I immediately want to blame the family and if blame is important, maybe that's a good place to start, but I think you and I could both call the bluff on that one.  For example, a caring home can't always be trumped by a miserable school life - just ask the loving parent of a child who commits suicide.  The truth is that folks are influenced by a million small things and that the world can be a violent place, but I can point to times in my life when ONE SMALL act of kindness or attention made a huge impact on my belief in my self worth. I bet you can too.  Would an occasional reminder of someone's value keep them from losing it with a weapon on a high school campus? I don't know, but if I had to bet I'd say it's a safer bet than NOT doing just that.

So it's a wager I'm asking you to make.  On the off chance that you can affect people around you, I'm asking that you consider teaching your child to look for people around her who suffer at school and say a kind word. Give her a script that you follow too. I'm asking you to make eye contact with people who bust their asses in minimum wage jobs. I'm asking you to make eye contact with the person who makes your day better with a latte or a pedicure.  I'm asking you to consider offering the mom who's struggling with a misbehaving child in Walmart an acknowledgement of how difficult parenting can be. I'm asking you to consider that donating money to a cause is not enough. I'm asking you to refrain from name calling in your political discussions.  I'm asking you to refrain from saying about half of the things that irritate you about your family out loud. I'm asking you to stop getting in the way of your prayers for peace by putting yourself at odds with your neighbors, your colleagues, your students.

I'm trying here - really, really trying to not come across as a rose-colored glasses sort of person.  I am not talking about ideology, even. I'm talking about something I experience. I've kept quiet during all of the election talk and the gun talk and the bullying talk and rape debates because I like you and I like that you read what I write and I'd hate to alienate you.  But we agree, right? That the evil and sickness in the world is a real thing?  So it's a wager I don't think I can afford to avoid.  What if whatever light I can bring to my little world alters a tragic path or just changes a hopeless day for someone? I have to bet it's worth it.

Talk soon.