What I wanna do

I appreciate you for not nagging me about being quiet lately. I have to say the last few weeks have not been my best so your patience was very kind. I've spent the last few weeks thinking about life and God and relationships and time so maybe some good things will come of that.

I think we all turn to thinking about how short life seems when people around us die.  And we have these few days of very intense concern over our purpose and our very own short existences and we make internal commitments about living as fully as possible. Take those trips! Call our old pals! Then someone needs to take out the garbage and the dog needs to be walked and bills come in the mail and we forget about it.  The thing is that I'm over 40 now so the rate at which I will confront death will be increasing, I suspect, at a pace that makes me very uncomfortable.

It's always been perplexing to me that we are so alarmed when folks around us die. It seems to me we ought to be more alarmed that folks DON'T die more frequently.  I mean, we are all moving around in these little boxes on wheels all day long and still usually manage to make it home alive. That's just one of the risky things that happens every day - what about germs and genetics and toxins and gang wars and  SINKHOLES? Add to that that there's no like contract with guarantees in it that your mom signs with the universe when you are born and you have to see that you've been flying along all these years on just a wing and a prayer really.  The death of someone close to you (or not close even) just kind of lifts the veil a little on the whole backstage process called "Living and Dying" that's taking place and we don't like to see that. Not at all.

But how do you really live fully if you don't look at death and it's looming possibility? I'm not sure that we can. Because I honestly believe that what propels us to live more than just a small, selfish little existence is the gratitude we have for the moments we've strung together to make a life and that gratitude can only come from the acknowledgement that we've not been sucked into the sinkhole yet. If you think this conversation is about me encouraging you to quit your job and go skydiving or start that bucket list thing then you are mistaken.  I'm just pointing out that when someone dies I think about connections and relationships and how little our differences really matter and I feel compelled to touch the other people around me with a greater urgency. I've never heard that anyone said they wished they'd worked more hours when they died.  I've heard a lot of people express regret and affection and acceptance though.  I don't think that has to wait until we are dying and I don't think it has anything at all to do with skydiving. The clarity that loss brings us doesn't need to be temporary.  It's like we've been given an opportunity to witness this big picture event and we can honor it by living accordingly - deliberately, generously and fully.

Olivia has a new phrase that I like for now.  She says, "I'm gonna do what I wanna do."  What a loaded phrase. Now she says it when she's telling me she is going to follow her gut and doesn't care if folks approve or if her friends don't like her decisions. She's telling me she's above some peer pressure (she's 12, so don't hold her to that).  I use it in a different way. I see so very clearly that I simply do not have time to use my hands and talents for mindless tasks, to invest in people who don't want to connect, to waste time worrying about things that can't be changed.  Maybe that's just a luxury us stay at home mom's can afford, but if you can identify what you wanna do and spend even part of your day doing it, then you're on to something, right?  And no, I'm still not encouraging you to leave your job - but what if you just improved your work by being willing to let the petty things between coworkers just be petty? What if you allowed yourself to feel the compassion that does reside in you rather than the disdain that protects you for people in different situations than yours? At least if it ended today we wouldn't be fools for focusing on things that have no lasting importance.

So today, at least, what I wanna do is read a little, maybe find something to wonder about, delight in a conversation or two, be the source of some laughter, feel work-tired muscles when I get in bed and think about God for a while. Tomorrow I will see what I can do about the rest.