Let me tell you what you DON'T want to be. You really don't even want to find yourself in the unfortunate position of being my kid. You know I desperately want to be the calm, cool with whatever drama mom that I imagine raises some future poet laureate or Nobel Prize winner, but you know I really don't ever hear about those moms in acceptance speeches. Instead, if you're my kid you are saddled with an overactive, panicky adult who has incredibly vivid imagination. And who punishes accordingly whether the infractions are real or imaginary.
If you were my kid I'd be all up in your business. I'd know more than both of us wished to know about your bf's and your bff's and your lols. I'd make sure you knew I knew too because at least we're gonna be transparent about how I've got my eye on you. I'd know your friend's moms and their style of supervision. I'd make sure you got caught every time you tried something and if I didn't catch you it'd be because I was too tired to let you know I caught you. I might even pull that, "Is there anything you'd like to tell me" trick so that you'd think I knew what I didn't even know and spill it. You and your friends would be awed by my omnipresence. Privacy would at times be a far off luxury.
You get that we are dealing with people with pretty much half developed brains? Worse yet, people with half developed brains who have access to all kinds of things and technology that can injure them both physically and emotionally. Things that can leave permanent scars. And that's the reason that I am not above snooping, spying, bribing, threatening, and all manner of methods that the parenting magazines warned you of back when you had time to read those things and thought your still crawling child only had to fear electrical sockets and uncut hotdogs. The thing is, mostly I'm attracted to this "all up in your business" parenting style out of an intense affection and desire to protect, not primarily a desire to control. I'm also no fool - I do know that orchestrating every aspect of your child's life is not an effective long term parenting plan, that the endeavor itself is a great illusion. I wouldn't go so far as to do that. I know ultimately the kids will have to choose protect themselves from difficult people and situations. But it's okay if I'd really love it if they came out on the other side of adolescence safe and sound, right?
I was visiting with my friend Helen today. She's already raised her kids and now has grandkids. We feel similarly about people who injure children and she's committed to offing anyone who dares to hurt her grandchildren. She says she'd be fine spending the rest of her life in a cell so long as she had access to books. I can get behind that. Just so we are clear, I happen to be a huge fan of vigilante justice and think it's a neglected and incredibly effective form of evening the universe out. To make sure my children know that I am committed to protecting them, I've made sure to throw around phrases during the news like "if someone did that to you I'd light them on fire" and "if someone tried that with you I'd run over them with my car - and back again." I'm fairly certain my children are somewhat terrified of the intensity of my protective nature.
It makes sense, I guess, that there are days when I don't have many fans in my household. That's totally cool with me. I did not enter parenthood to be anyone's bff although I'm charmed by a secret-telling session or a girls only shopping trip. I have other goals as a parent that include raising a child who's capable and compassionate - but underlying that there's always nailing basic safety and, of course, hygiene. We've pretty much got the hygiene licked which is great because that means I'm completely free to focus on things like researching AT&T's Smart Limits program for the iPhone and the latest sexual offender registry updates.
Talk soon...
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