Let's be friends

Let's talk about friends. If you only have one friend, that's a big burden for that person so go make a few more. I bet this guy would be your friend. You should see him from the front.



I have different kinds of friends. There's the Known Forever Friend who mostly relies on shared history and stays close so that you don't ever have enough room to tell all that you know on them. There's the Friends at First Sight category and I do have several of those - proof that we know on some kind of cellular level those with whom we are compatible. There's the Friend-in-Law, the one that mostly you just know peripherally, the self explanatory Hobby Friend, the Friend Who is Not Your Friend (I know who you are), the Favor Friend, the True Blue Friend (very rare). The most fun category is the Unlikely Friend and those are fantastic because you just somehow realize one day that a person very different from yourself has become a positive, sincere and integral part of your life. This curious category is where my friend Shelley can be found.

Shelley is a decade younger than I am and she brings with her all the cool things I would otherwise not have access to as a 40 year old mom. She was the first person I heard say, "Hell to the no" and can unleash all that kind of talk in the proper context which is a complete mystery to me. She possesses a pretty much perfect physique and has the work ethic to keep it up and will actually say things like, "I just wanted to see if I could do it" in reference to tests of physical endurance that I assure you, we would guffaw at if someone presented the option to us. She gets her nails done and knows what jeans we should be wearing (if I could fit into them that is). See how different we are?

When our girls started school together, we had that uneven sort of acquaintance where one of us appears to have it together and the other seems like things are difficult. She sometimes needed advice and I liked giving it. She is a single mom who had the wisdom not to marry a guy who wouldn't have improved her life as a husband even though she must have been afraid to go it alone. I wish I had known her then. Shelley is what you'd call feisty. She's one of the only people I know who's gut is dead on right and who's smart enough to trust it. She's raised an equally beautiful, savvy, wicked-smart daughter and she's humble enough to know that none of us raise children without help from others.

We had a time where we didn't talk so much and during that time I had some other reasons to realize that no one likes to be the friend in need all the time and that I tended to create unbalanced friendships by never exposing my own fears and concerns. When Shelley floated back into my life I happened to need someone I could trust to not make me feel foolish in the gym and that's something I knew she could do. See, I was watching 40 approach and feeling my bones start to crumble like limestone so like most late 30 something frump-moms I decided not to let this be the best I ever was.

The first time I left a training session with her I vomited, took 4 advil and stayed in bed nauseated for the afternoon. The second time (after I could walk and sit on the toilet without crying again - I'm not kidding) I tried some ridiculous looking ab exercise and whimpered, "I can't do it," and it was in that moment of pure physical shame and weakness (a tragic acknowledgement that the strength of youth had finally left me) that I got to experience the best part of my friend Shelley. She said without any hesitation the simplest, most patient, and kindest words, "Yes you can." And there was the epiphany: My prior mistake was never giving a true friend the opportunity to BE a true friend. I'd never been willing to be the one who needed encouragement from her and I missed a thousand chances to experience something good.

I think I've told her before how grateful I am that she encouraged me then (and after) so it's probably not news to her, but the lesson of opening myself to receive the gifts of others is one that I revisit again and again with other friendships. So, if you are like me and your first response to really investing in a friendship is, "Oh, hell to the no" maybe it's time to try something new. The long haired guy at the bar is waiting to hear all about you and he does have a really nice face.