I'm not that kind of mom

Well it's that time of year again.  The beginning of another year of schedules and social discoveries, some triumphs and heartbreaks for the little ones so I figured it's a good time to talk about some things.

A lot of articles come my way because my friends know how much I worry about getting all the lessons in before Olivia's all grown up.  I am practically an expert on hovering (just ask my sister) because I used to be the parent who really thought maybe it would be a good idea to have a helmet, a leash and some antibacterial hand wipes at all times and I can tell you that you can protect them from almost everything and you will find that they are miserable and it's still all your fault somehow.

I've become increasingly convinced that the helicopter parenting trend is way more damaging than any of us thought, and before you stop reading, know that you probably ARE a helicopter parent (here's the link that called me out on it): The 7 Myths of Helicopter Parenting.  Despite the fact that most of those things we do come from a genuine place of love, we manage to hover our children into a less confident, less exploratory existence and the consequences of that turn out to be huge.

Most of us think we are not helicopter parents if we are not managing every aspect of our kid's existence, and I have learned to sit on my hands and watch some, but one interesting point this article highlighted was that our ANXIETY about their success and happiness is a way of being a very negative, undermining and constant presence in their lives.  That fretting makes their existence all about us and so we use our adult skills to pave a road for them that really needs to have some bumps in it so that they can discover how to deal with conflict themselves.  If we will stop rescuing and let them try this, we'll see how capable they are (and more importantly, THEY will see it) and we'll still get to play the role of comforter when they need it (and they all need it).   

The neat thing about a group of kids is that they kinda correct each other - and usually in a more effective way than an adult who inserts herself into a kid's life can do.  Don't you remember how in tune you were to whether your friends thought you were likable and capable in the 6th grade? Let's use that horrible, hyper-awareness for good here friends!  If someone is mean, you can bet the group does a little ya-ya-ing until he falls back into place.  If someone brags too often, the group looks at her funny til she realizes it's too much.  It's called positive peer pressure (and thank God for that or else we'd all still be wearing those Mork and Mindy suspenders we thought were cool). And since we know our kids don't always listen to us, why not let the group resolve a lot of these crises of fashion and injurious behavior?  Of course, there are some heavy things a kid can't and shouldn't manage without a little guidance and for those situations, parents get to step in and bully each other.

The last time a peer HIT MY BABY, I can assure you that every cell in my body demanded that I go all mama bear on the offender, but my big picture know-it-all self calmly reminded me that I believe Olivia is capable of discerning who healthy friends are, that she should decide whom to avoid, and that she needs all the practice she can get at defending herself.  I'm sure you can imagine all the googling of "injuries that don't leave any marks" and name calling I was doing in my head while I ground my teeth and SAT ON MY HANDS.  While she views me as "Unpaid Consultant" and "Chief Soft Place to Fall," when it comes to action, even Olivia believes that my part is to keep sitting on the hands.  

I would say the big things that we could do while we are busy butting out would be to have lots of conversations on the importance of offering acceptance and forgiveness and (egad!) how to apologize (if we don't offer one every once in a while, I can assure you that our kids don't know how many problems one can fix).  All children make mistakes and none of them have the radar of awareness that adults have so cut them a break already and help your kid do it too. They're 12 and they are so much better at moving on than we are.

I'm guessing if we really don't want them to live with us and off of us when they are 30, it's a good idea to let them try their hand at these lessons when their failure won't cost them their livelihood or their spouse.  The 6th grade is a much better time to learn the value of being prepared for a project than college will be and elementary school is a pretty safe place to learn that if you are not kind to others you will be lonely.  The consequences only get greater.  The upside also is that encouraging them to look at one another and solve their own conflicts might diminish the number of passive aggressive friends we all have to deal with when they are older. And we all want that.  I want that.

And that leads me to the next interesting article I received.  This one - Study - Kids Friends Not Grades, Lead to Adult Well-Being is about how researchers have discovered that good friendships were actually a truer measure of eventual successful, happy lives for children than academic success.  So, all that worrying about managing 100 extracurriculars and the homemade laser science project maybe really doesn't buy the future we think it's buying anyway.  That's not to say academic success counts for nothing.  Of course it's a great measure of capabilities in some arenas and sure does open a lot of doors, but I can honestly tell you that not one person has ever asked me in my adult life what my GPA was.  And I wish you would.  It gave me opportunity, but I can't say that it helped me once I got through the door. What helps then is the ability to relate, to read human expression, to express concern and, very importantly, manage conflict directly, and if we can do those things well, we've got a pretty good day going on for ourselves. Those are all skills learned and honed on the playground and they really are critical to the happy life we say we want for our kids.

So, it's the most wonderful time of the year. Tennies are still unscuffed, the new 3-ring binders haven't gotten cracked yet and the kids are still willing to get out of bed when the alarm goes off in the dark. All the moms are back at the gym and the SUVs are gassed up for carpool.  It's a new year for us hoverers as well. The mantra is "I have my OWN life. She has her own life." Join me in sitting on our hands if you want and we will practice not rescuing and not orchestrating all of their relationships and science projects and we will find so many more things to do with our time.

Can't wait!