I know how much you love to hear when I run into trouble, so while I don't go searching for trouble, I don't hesitate to share the instant something interesting happens. Here goes:
Olivia and I were out shopping in the Atlanta area today and happened into Target for one last t-shirt search. We were tired already and I needed my afternoon green tea, so I'll admit that my judgement might have been impaired. We could hear a 2 year old child screaming not far from the entrance and, because I am a magnet for trouble, this child and her mother naturally surfaced not far from us in the ladies department. This child is clearly miserable and so is her mom. I can hear mom using her outside voice while she shouts at the little one that she will just be putting this and that back and to SHUT UP. Now, people lose their tempers. People who have kids lose their tempers and people who are exhausted and have two year olds especially lose their tempers. I get it. I've been there and I remember thinking that shouting was an option and that maybe even spanking was an option (even though the one time I attempted that turned out to be completely ineffective and left me crying more than Olivia).
I'm staying close because her language is offensive enough that a reasonable mother starts to wonder if she ought to offer a little comfort or kindness in order to defuse a situation. From out of nowhere, however, another couple approaches and the mom here begins to inform the Lunatic Mom that she's abused her child (I discovered later that our entrance was AFTER the spanking incident which caused the crying in the first place at another part of the store). It has never made much sense to me to SCREAM at a person to stop screaming, but you know, WHATEVER, and these two strangers are face to face, 2 inches apart while they scream. I'm thinking this is going to get more physical in about 1.2 seconds.
Now there's a moment in every crisis where a person asks herself if she ought to get involved and there were two factors racing through my head as the number of witnesses started to gather. First, my daughter is watching. She's fast approaching the time in her life where she may have to publicly announce to someone that their behavior is a really dangerous thing. She needs an example of how to do that diplomatically (and hopefully without getting her ass beat). Second, no 2 year old baby needs to see grown ups fight like this and no baby needs to believe that constant physical intimidation and emotional berating are the only way that people communicate. I don't know if she fights dirty, but I would lose some hair or take a shiner for a 2 year old to know that some adult would stick up for her (even if she might not ever remember it).
So my shining moment mostly involved me waving my arms and using my mom-voice to say, "Hey, hey, hey, ladies this is no way to talk to one another" (kind of a move akin to trying to distract a bear with something shiny) and "Girls, we are upsetting the baby doing this." Incidentally, the child is now sitting SILENT with mouth agape (probably dreading her upcoming afternoon). Olivia is retreating while I move closer to try to get between them. The approacher's husband is standing by like a chump (probably secretly hoping to see his wife in a cat fight FINALLY) in his converse tennies and sweater, but boy is he willing for me to get in the mix. Some of the bystanders start chiming in that this woman is abusive and when the employees start to circle, mom and baby head furiously towards the door, but not before she turned to me with her crazy eyes and demanded, "YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?"
I have a lot to say (I kept that in my head), but what came out was this: "I'm just so sorry that you have to shout at your child." I winced because this would be the moment, I thought, where she'd hit me too if she was going to do it. She just turned and booked it out of there before the security guard came and the lynch mob could get any closer. When I looked back at Olivia's stricken face I wondered if I'd done the right thing to involve myself at all. I certainly didn't really DO anything, but I couldn't get right with NOT saying anything at all, that's for sure.
I'd just been thinking a few days ago about how many friends I have who actually shout very regularly at their children and how much it bothers me anytime someone is unhappy enough to raise their voice in anger at the people they claim to love most. I know lots of people just communicate that way, but I refuse to think it's acceptable. I think that if you are frequently resorting to screaming at people who are a lot smaller than you the problem is most likely YOU because as the (presumably smarter) adult surely you could have thought of a better way to get what you need from a child. And soon enough your child is going to be bigger than you and a hell of a lot more willing to be louder than you and that's not going to end well, I think. Roll your eyes at my commitment to not screaming (I haven't always succeeded, mind you) if you want, but I'm not going to argue with you about this.
So I was trying to communicate to this woman of whom I know nothing else about really - that I'm sorry for whatever circumstances led her to think it would fix things if she were to hit and scream at her child. I can imagine that she's lots of things - maybe exhausted and miserable and maybe just a bully who procreated and I'm sorry, unbelievably sorry, that this is the day she's choosing to give her child. This mom job is a hard one. Having to be responsible for every aspect of someone's present day and laying the groundwork for their future is an unbelievable weight and it's easy to get focused on the awful frustration of things like crayons on the wall and temper tantrums and that shit is REAL so I get it.
I'm not foolish. I doubt any Target confrontation could change a person's disposition that much, but I did do two things - I gave MY daughter the day she needed to have because she saw that you don't have to turn your head when you have a chance to bring peace to a difficult situation and that 2 year old heard some stranger woman look at her out of control mother and calmly wish for more for her.
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