I deserved it.

Even if you pressed me on it I'd say I'm glad we live in a world where we have to be discreet about our prejudices. I'm not interested in being in the path of anyone's political, racial or sexist venom. I come across as a very tolerant person, but I do usually have a snarky comment or two rattling around in my head. It became a joke amongst my closest college friends that I secretly harbored a great dislike for folks who were overweight. For whatever reason, I developed and probably even nurtured a secret dislike of obese people. It was a completely irrational dislike in which I imagined every problem an overweight person might have stemmed exclusively from their lack of ability to manage their physique. In short, I was mean.

And in the same vein as when you tell your daughter never ever to date a guy with a motorcycle and then have to watch her zero in on Fonzie the first chance she gets, my subconcious began a campaign to trick me into gaining 5 pounds a year. Subtle enough that you don't notice at first. You can blame the baby weight for a decade, but at some point, I had to acknowledge I was becoming one of THEM. Imagine my surprise when 5 pounds became 20. 20 extra pounds on a 5 foot 2 inch frame is not good at all. The universe had conspired against me to make me become the very thing I despised and the truth of it was that I completely earned the loathing I had to now point in my own direction. That's the point where I realized that when you feel bad about yourself, there doesn't seem to be much difference between 20 pounds and 60. It's all overwhelming.

Of course, it's the self loathing that keeps a person from improving so I sat on my overweight arse longer that I should have mostly pondering whether I was really fat. I just couldn't bear the truth of it. You know, saying things like, "It's not so bad" or, "At least I'm not as fat as that gal," or "These jeans make me look 10 pounds thinner." I wore a lot of black too, because all the magazines say how slenderizing black is. Every woman at the pool has a black bathing suit and we all looked just as fat as if we'd worn whatever color was our favorite because fat is just fat. I didn't wear stripes for years either, but now that feels like wasted time because it's not like I was fooling anyone. I was the kind of fat you can justify and that's dangerous. It's not so overweight that people have something to say about it, but I was the kind of fat that's soft and keeps you from looking good for your age. It's a sneaky thing that makes you a frumpy mom that you never thought you'd be.

I'm not a serial dieter, but I did try a few fads. Fortunately I don't have enough discipline to really make myself sick with baby food commitments or juice diets, but I was pretty loyal to the Dieter's Tea which will damn KILL you it turns out if you overcommit. If you're drinking that, read the label one more time. Always, always consider the long term elasticity of your sphincter in making dieting decisions.

I found out the hard way that there's no pill, no cure, no quick fix to losing weight and being healthy. Turns out, the only way to lose weight that stays off is to quit eating garbage and move around a lot more than you are right now and you have to decide that you will not stop after one year or two years or ever. You know it's true. I decided that I was pretty sure I knew what would happen if I didn't start taking care of myself. It'd be +5 more every year. On the other hand, if I did start taking responsibility for my health I might actually see some benefit so I went at it from a gambler's viewpoint.

Fortunately, my dear friend Shelley was trying her hand at being a trainer at the same time that I was trying my hand at not being any fatter. The timing was perfect. Sometimes I think a person who could make me do these things called BURPEES (Youtube it if you have to) and pushups in all kinds of different configurations must have some secret hatred for me, but I have developed a sort of Stockholm Syndrome relationship with her. The best part is when we do these exercises in the park so everyone can watch. Did I mention I'm not very coordinated? Willing, but not very coordinated. And I've made sure there's no video so don't bother.

The good news is, I can tell you I'm not ashamed of my body anymore. Most days I can look in the mirror and not pick myself apart with criticism and it's the effort (not the weight loss) that stops that crazy voice of self loathing in my head. I think the universe and I have an understanding now about the judgments I made so harshly and I've made all kinds of promises to avoid the motorcycle prophecy so keep your fingers crossed.