May I offer you some advice?

It's possible that in my attempts to appear comfortable on the planet I may have avoided asking for help every once in a while. Or ever. I've been accused of orchestrating relationships so that I don't have to be in a position of ever needing advice.

Perhaps that explains my curiosity with advice columns. Dear Abby, Dear Prudence, Dear Cary, you name it - I'm invested. The trick is to read the letter, then formulate my own response and check it against the columnist's to see how similar we are. Usually, I don't give the same advice. Mostly I think it's because folks aren't really writing for the reasons they might offer.

Here's a recent (like a few months ago and it's still bugging me) example. I can't remember the wording, but the writer was seeking advice on how to tell his office mate that his daily breakfast of FISH AND OATMEAL (I am not kidding) left a nauseating smell in the office.

Let's just sit on that for a minute.

FISH AND OATMEAL for BREAKFAST. EVERY DAY.

Now I can assure you that Prudence gave the most kind and thoughtful suggestions, but the following is my response:

"First, whichever editor let this through is fired tomorrow. You know who you are. Second, I'm hopeful that the person who can tolerate this breakfast also can't hear the gagging of all of your office mates each morning and must have some kind of olfactory and auditory disorder. If he's choosing to ignore the collective vomitous reaction that must accompany this production each morning, we need to BACK THIS THING UP and have you explain to us why you haven't marched yourself into the break room before now and pronounced this ritual completely unacceptable. I demand that you do this TOMORROW. Preferably, obtain video of yourself making this pronouncement with your arms wide open, also, because this seems like it's been a long time coming. I (and your office mates need this too) am going to need to see you fling the door of the microwave open and pitch this horrific concoction out the nearest window. Throw in the fire extinguisher even for dramatic effect. Now go, and know that tomorrow your destiny is fulfilled. Also know that the sort of person who finds this cuisine palatable is also the sort of person who will report your action to the Human Resources Department."

I will wait patiently for the newspaper to ask me to begin writing my column for them.